To celebrate this morning I ate 2 of the cupcakes Krissy & I made over the weekend. I had been waiting for this moment and 2 is the only number that would suffice. Needless to say I feel kinda sick and woozy now, my body still not quite up to it....

It's 9:30am and I have already put in 2 loads of laundry, done the dishes, scrubbed the bathtub and organized my room so there will be room for Sandy's pile of things. Tonight he will be at my door and then in my home and then under my covers. He'll be here for almost 2 whole weeks showing his films. and then he's gone without a trace for almost 3 months... but I don't want to talk about that.

I want to talk about beutiful summer bike rides and tennis games. I want to talk about reading books and drinking beer in the park. I want to talk about long showers and sun tan lotion. All teh sweet things we'll try to do when I'm not working or rehearsing, and he's not prepping or presenting.

Why do I get the feeling we won't really have any time at all...

I can't wait to kiss that face of his

A kiss could've killed me
If it were not for the rain
A kiss could've killed me
Baby if it were not for the rain

And I had a feeling it was coming on
I felt it coming
For so long.
If I'm to be the fool
Then so let it be.

This fool can die now
With a heart that soared
How
How had it coming in
For so long.

And darling take my hand
And lead me through the dark
Let's kidnap each other
And start singing our song

'Cause my heart is charged now
Oh, it's dancing in my chest
And I fly and I walk out
From the spell in that kiss.

Cause I...

It could've
It could've killed me x2
If were not for the rain.

Oh darling let me dream
Cause somewhere in me
I have been waiting
So patiently
For you.

So don't you break!
Don't break my dream.

And rain will exalt us
As the night draws in.
Winds howl around us
As we begin.
What a way to start a fire
Broken with the break of day

A kiss could have killed me baby
If it were not for rain.

And I had a feeling it was coming on
I felt it coming
For so long.

And it could've
It could've killed me.
If it were not for the rain.

i suppose its kinda strange that I look forward to coming home at night to a pair of printed pajama bottoms folded neatly on your side of the bed.

Its the closest thing to you I have.

come home soon... for both the pajama pants and for me.

i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you so quite new

I wake up every morning, bright and early - on time. 6am rolls in and I set up my morning: slowly sit up. Stare at reflection in mirror. Call myself good lookin at least once to set up my confidence for the day. Put on something. Scrutinize squishy bits, but just for a minute. Make oatmeal. Eat oatmeal and actually enjoy it. Start uploading daily music on phone. Shower, brush teeth, moisturize. Put on clothing. Lounge for about 10 minutes. Leave apartment. Walk to work, arrive early or on time. Feel efficiant and important.

Except on the mornings with you. On these mornings we wake up slowly, try to untangle ourselves gracefully, chat, sigh, switch sides, cling to whomever is trying to get up. Complain about the noise my room mate the night before. Tangle ourselves up again. Repeat the entire process.

Then I spend 10 minutes trying to get myself ready. Run to work. Arrive late. Am thankful that you were the reason this whole thing began. Love you even more.

Its nice to go from one Spring to the next. Last spring hurting the very most I have ever hurt. This spring feeling full of love and hope and silly dreams, new plans.

Strange little traditions, just me and you, just you & me.

We have made our own dialogue. We have found our own patterns. We found our way to each other, without a lick of help from anyone.

Where am I? What is this? Who..who are you people?

Its like deja vu.

It's likecoming home for the first time in a few years and seeing howmuch has changed..a nd ow much has stayed the same.



Hellofriends.

Since january...

- I have completed a second stint in theatresports
- I was left by someone I considered a driving force in my life
- got a new bike that is mine and not his
- got a new life that is mine and not his
- I have rebuilt myself into something stronger and happier over the past 4 months because of it
- I began costuming outside of the costume house
- began writing music again
- began writing words again
- began loving my world again
- became comfortable with mourning and rebirth

Lately i wake up to Come a little bit closer/Hear what I have to say/Just like children sleepin/We could dream this night away.||But theres a full moon risin/Lets go dancin in the light/We know where the musics playin/Lets go out and feel the night. || Because Im still in love with you/ I want to see you dance again/ Because Im still in love with you/ On this harvest moon.

Its ironic because its his alarm clock and it means that its somewhere between 5am and 7am and that he has to crawl out of my arms and leave. So we can't dream the night away.

On the plus side, its a pretty relaxing song to wake up to.

As You Turn to Go-The 6ths

Let the camera linger on your perfect skin
Your widows peak and your lucky grin
And the bluest eyes I know
As you turn to go
Let there be a record of your gorgeous voice
The turn of phrase that filled my days with joy
Something like Bing singing soft and low
As you turn to go
I know I`m not supposed to say I`m sorry
I know you`ve had more loves than Mata Hari
But you know you`re the star of my life story
And I`m so sorry
Let the poets struggle to describe your heart
Your art of love and your love of art
Well, if you ever loved me
Tell me so
As you turn to go

My sister will be married in just over a week.

that's fucked up.

fu-ucked up.

LOVE WILL TEAR US APART
Joy Division

When the routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
the resentment rides high
But emotions wont grow
And were changing our ways,
Taking different roads
Then love, love will tear us apart again

Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side?
Is my timing that flawed,
Our respect run so dry?
Yet theres still this appeal
That weve kept through our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again

Do you cry out in your sleep
All my failings expose?
Get a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Is it something so good
Just cant function no more?
When love, love will tear us apart again

I hate to admit it, but I may be a wee bit obsessive when it comes to past and current loves.

How does one cure themself of such things? Its been super long, so why am I fretting over the thought of him being in love...considering i found myself very caught up in dareck long before he met her.

Its still bugging me.

Because I am selfish and want him to be miserable because of how miserable he made me when he broke my wee little heart.

I'm an awful person.

I have never gotten flowers in my whole life until last night... an dthey were perfect.

Autumn makes me ache.

All I want is to take chilly walks and drink hot tea and look in shop windows. I want to curl up undercovers with a book and him. I want to spend rainy days watching movies and getting distracted. Make soup, write stories, listen to songs, play my guitar. I want to go to high park and play in the leaves, carve pumpkins.. have long warm baths every day. Photoshoots and crisp morning runs.

It always goes by too quickly.. summer lingers too long, winter comes too early... but for that tiny short stint that we have autumn I am happiest. Today it really felt like the fall.

I am so very in love that I'm getting dangerous thoughts of jealousy, scary thoughts of loss and inescapable thoughts of hopefulness.

I am squishy and i miss him terribly when he's not sleeping beside me.

Just thought I'd say that. I love him to dangerous degrees now... and I know it can be bad news bears, but i have no intentions of changing that.

I used to post like... 3 times a day.. now i'm lucky if its once a month.

i smell like blueberries.

fucking..honking..all...day.

I hate soccer and all its honking noisey lovers. I hate any sporting event that causes assholes to sit in their shitty cars on my street and honk and yell and act like assholes.

In other news I miss dareck/angela lazy sexy sundays.

I have a mamoth cavity in a back molar and no money to have it filled.